I chose today to retreat a bit; to work from home and venture out just to enjoy the 60+ degree weather and the sunshine. It seemed a shame to waste the day inside when we were given the rare gift of an almost 70 degree day in December.
I don’t do that very often, but now and then feel like I need to. It’s partially that I just needed a break. But it was also a way to escape and search for something deep inside of me that I wonder and worry is growing smaller and smaller.
In today’s reading from Jesus Blessed Son, Nouwen talks about living at a place of innocence. There’s a sense that we need to trust God to take care of us, but there’s also something here that means letting go of control and security. Something that makes me think back to yesterday when Jesus talked about worry.
When we think of innocence we think of children because they live in the moment. They are focused on the immediate and they are so “un-self-conscious". They don’t make a decision to go there, they just do because they just are. Innocent.
I can’t just “go there” anymore. Over time things have changed. It takes thought and intention to choose innocence. Jesus said, “Unless you become like little children …” as though he were giving us a choice. I don’t think that’s a one-time decision. It’s a choice we have to make all the time.
Innocence is acknowledging that on my best days, I’m far less in control than I believe I am. And admitting that doesn’t have to mean that my insecurity gets the best of me.
Innocence is understanding that my worry and insecurity are sure signs that I’m trying to do God’s job. And certainly not doing it well.
If I’m not a child as I stand before God each day; I am not as I should be. But innocence lost can be innocence found.
Dearest Lord, help me overcome my insecurities and discover what it is you want for me. Amen.